me and #metoo

I may not be saying anything new, but I need to say it in my own words. I want to say so much and I think I am going to. There is so much clarity and yet so much confusion.
I am going to write a lot of things, they won't tie up together, but I will let you do that. I am bad at punctuations, spelling and grammar. Also the english language is not gender neutral so until we reinvent the language, please try and understand what is being said. I don't think I am a feminist. I have never seen myself as a woman, I see myself as a human being, maybe even just a natural being. But the world has constantly reminded me that I am a woman.

Patriarchy: It is in me, us, women. I know cause I lock the doors of my house with more awareness when my husband is not at home. I feel I am safer with him around. My son recently pointed out that I tell him to clean up his room before his dad walks in and not get into an argument with his dad at 10 in the night as his dad has had a long day and needs to relax. I work from home and do everything that is required for running the home but the message I gave my son is that his father works hard and I don't. I distanced him from his father and lowered the value of my work in his eyes by these two simple statements.  Men are  praised for even the khichdi they make. Women are given advice on all the food they cook. Its women who praise men, its women who advise women. I am always told that I am "lucky" to have a husband who is sensitive...and its always women who tell me that. I am not sure they are saying it because they are happy for me. But I understand that they are confused in directing their pain. They have no clue about how hard my husband/my partner in life and I work in unburdening our relationship of gender biases. It is a daily struggle. My husband was a stay at home dad for eight years and he was judged by the men and women around him, for this role reversal. Dear women, let us look at what we have been doing for centuries. We have worked hard at supporting patriarchy, we will have to consciously work hard to tear it down. In my heart there is a small part that is hoping that no men in my family and extended family get dragged into #metoo movement, when I know many women in my family and around me have survived abuse and subjugation. I am scared of the patriarchy in me. I personally know so many women who have had to drop their education, careers and dreams because when a situation came up they had to drop everything and save the situation...there was absolutely no discussion on it. Most people who read this may be coming from privileged families, as far as education and thinking is concerned, and yet I am sure that just like me you know many women around you who have had to let go of what they loved. And yet we wish to maintain the status quo, not speak up. Interestingly we are afraid of hurting the very women who we are trying to stand up for. These women have nurtured these men, loved them, respected them and we are afraid of bursting their bubbles.  That is how twisted this patriarchy thing is.

The shit will fly into our homes: With the #metoo movement I am wondering where I am in my head. A huge burden has lifted off my shoulders. My body pain has reduced. Just reading all these stories has been a catharsis, but my brain has been hit by a tsunami. I haven't dealt with half of the shit that I am reading other women have been through. But I have had to deal with my fair share of shit. Which woman hasn't? I read a quote saying, "we make 50% of the world and we give birth to 100% of the world which is why we need a equal say in the world". To me this is our biggest catch 22, we are the ones who have borne men and hence we have our hearts attached to them. We feel this is my son, or could be my son. While many are standing up and voicing their #metoo stories and venting their rage there are equal and more number of women who are silent. There are those who don't have a language for it, patriarchy is deep rooted in our language, and there is a dearth of words to explain how a woman feels. There are those women who have accepted it as a part of life and feel nothing will come out of talking about it. There are women who want to lie low as they are worried the shit may hit their own face.... look what happened to Nandita das, Mallika Dua, Farah Khan..etc. This is true, the shit will hit our families. Thesewomen are the tip of the iceberg. Any family can have these men. And women who bear them, marry them, live with them will face the pain. It is the sad truth. Many of us also have male heroes - fathers, grandfathers, brothers, husbands, male public figures and when they will fall, we will lose our heroes. It is difficult to lose our heroes. Forget heroes, it is difficult to lose your favourite songs (suddenly in the last few weeks, many songs have started sounding offensive to me, the romance is over). We are going to lose a lot as we work through our angst and try to find a balance in this warped world. But we have to be ready to lose it for the sake of us and our children.

I have a son: I love my son. He has been a window to the male mind for me. I don't understand it, but I get insights into it. I know he is human, vulnerable, sensitive, complex and not like anyone I know though I can sense some of me and my husband in him. When he was a baby, I have introduced him to dolls and he has not touched them, he was gifted cars and aeroplanes and he hardly played with those. He liked animal figures, lions, crocodiles, zebras and hippopotamus. He is his own person. I don't know what, "boys will be boys" means. I want a better world for my child.

Rebuilding the Society: As a woman I want justice. As a mother I am more interested in rebuilding the society.  I want to think about a world that is built on human relations not on laws, codes of conduct and guidelines.Which is why the whole idea of defining consent and defining right from wrong worries me. What if the woman is speech impaired? What if she speaks a foreign language? what happens when she says yes for something and some part of it makes her uncomfortable. What if she says yes but means no...what when she says no as a tease? cause she should have a right to tease too..not just be a robot who says yes or no, right? what happens when children explore sexuality within them (yes that happens! "Do you have a susu? Oh yours has come out" was a conversation I heard between two 3 year olds who had just had a skinny dip)? How do we deal with childhood and adolescent sexual explorations?
Consent doesn't take care of child sexual abuse and exploitation (A woman may consent to sleep with a man if she needs something desperately, so there is consent and exploitation). Laws can punish someone but cannot undo what is already done. And the pain will perpetuate.
In my opinion the only thing that works is sensitivity, to be aware, to listen, to feel. How do we make men more sensitive? How do we make our sons more sensitive? How do we make human beings more sensitive. I have realised sensitivity is not natural. It is an acquired trait and comes through experiences..our experiences need to be guided to reach sensitivity rather that insensitivity...as it can lead to both. In many men their bad experiences lead to insensitivity as they have no one to talk to,or reach out to. Also boys are brought up by women who are themselves broken. These women may have difficulties in helping their child, especially if they have normalised the abuse they have dealt with. So, A bully creates a bully. This stems from my own observation and not from anything I have read.... so correct me if I am wrong.

Some of us are doing what we think is right and we need to keep doing that. Lets talk about our pain to the men around us, the abuse, what it did to us. My son was shocked to learn that I have been pawed and felt up many times. I haven't told him the worse, but I will get there. I am hoping this will affect his thinking. We also need to listen. Do we know men? Men never bothered to understand women. Should we try to understand men? I heard some of the apologies that men have given right now, " I have always tried to be a good human being, sorry if I hurt you", "I didn't know that is how you felt about it", "I have a monster inside me, I don't know how to control it". Yes I know they are just being idiots but I suspect they have no clue. I have always wondered about the psyche of the man? What makes him want to force himself on women? Is the answer as simple as, just because he can? should we investigate this? I am not in a mood to do this for men over 30 who have been abusing their power but definitely need to as a mother of a son.
However, just like I have been responsible for my image in society, my son will have to be responsible for his image and role in society. I don't want to prescribe the right behaviour to him. Men prescribed a behaviour to women, are we now going to prescribe the right behaviour to men?  I think I would much rather focus on building sensitivity...the rest I hope will follow. How will we build sensitivity? For this I/ We need to bring this conversation in our living rooms. We will have to talk to the older generation as much as we talk to the younger generation. We need to take it beyond Social media. Those who don't want to hear it and see it can always avoid it on social media.. swipe up, change channels, avoid opening the whatsapp message, but they can't run away from a family get together. We will have to have the uncomfortable situation and force a conversation. Men and women need to talk and listen. (Going forward I may not be invited to any family function, but I may just be looking forward to it.)
The only places I ever felt safe were forests, Garba grounds and Navratri Nights in Baroda, and amongst kids and craftsmen. Spaces that have made me feel very unsafe and uncomfortable are weddings, family functions, schools, trains, buses, planes. I want to investigate why some spaces feel safe while others don't. I am hoping that it will give me clues as to what the human mind needs to function sensitively.

Rebuild the physical world: Where do I begin? I am a designer by profession but lost my purpose in making products in the first few years after my child was born. I was suddenly very aware of the real needs in life vs. the capitalistic idea of design. Being a person who loves being close to nature, I started thinking about the resources that are wasted while making things, which are nothing more than status symbols in life. Yes, design and creativity play a very big role in my life but I am still trying to get my head around the capitalistic end of design. Hence, when I think of a world designed by women I see a very different world. Let me explain. Recently, at a family gathering, I casually mentioned  how cars don't have a place to hang/ keep a woman's purse..I got a an expression that I am all too used to, "there she goes talking about something completely pointless". A woman in the group quickly added, "but its so stupid... if you hang or keep a purse somewhere it can swing and hit some one"... I let it rest...A car has space for an entire wheel, it has a glove compartment (as men used to wear gloves while driving at one point), it has bars,TVs and it has a cigarette lighter for gods's sake....but a purse would be a problem...I understand!!

We live in a world designed by men. If it was designed by women, then to start with, there wouldnt be cars and there wouldn't be purses. Do you see where I am going? I think a much bigger picture needs to be drawn. If we have bought into the world designed by men we are going to find it hard to extricate ourselves from their rules. We will keep asking for equality and that is the problem... I don't want to ask for anything from anyone. I want to walk my own path. The reason why I have not been able to connect with western ideas of feminism is because of this...it somehow made me feel that I need to be equal to men..when honestly I just wanted to be myself. Feminism is largely understood as work as men work, earn like men earn, talk like men talk. All this saves the capitalistic purpose that men care for. I don't know if it is a goal that women would have aspired for on their own. Women and Feminism have become pawns in the larger man made design of the world. (for eg. have you seen the subtle change in advertisement in the last 3 to 4 weeks? Since the #metoo movement unfolded on social media, the biggest data collection space? The cause of #metoo will be conveniently milked by the adsmen). A huge shift that I see between my great grandmother (an extraordinary ordinary woman) and me is that she did not seek validation from the outside world. My generation is desperate for external validation and that "external" is a man's world. We may have trapped ourselves. We are setting our grounds for getting exploited.  It is difficult to see it while one is in the system.  If we want what they want, then they are going to use our desperation. We don't need to be desperate. Yes economic independence is important, but it became important because we wanted equality not quality. We need to change the game! Let us rethink this. I don't have an answer but I am thinking about this.

Even if we want to continue to be a part of this world the way it is, can we give opportunities to other women? Women are unfair to women way to often. I have been told, "men are more stable. If you hire a woman she gets married, gets pregnant..so it becomes tricky.' I have had lots of "breaks" in my work life. Me having a child and taking care of him is considered a "break". I was once talking to a Senior designer and in conversation told her how I meant to get back to work and was looking for opportunities. She was  condescending, defensive, hostile, and told me I shouldn't have taken a break as now I don't have experience to back me. She did not bother to ask me what I was doing when I was not employed. This is how we as women treat each other. That is how we treat ourselves. In fact motherhood has made me far more capable than what I was before it.  But motherhood is only seen as a hindrance in the corporate world. We are left negotiating maternity leave when actually it is something that can be just taken in our stride and still kept us relevant to the larger sphere of society. Lets think about this.
Also try and remember the time a male member in your family/friends or workplace complimented you for your intelligence. Chances are the occasions would have been few and far or never. I was once told by my employer (nice guy) that he hires women cause they are flexible, have less of an ego, and are hardworking. He thought he was complimenting women. What I heard was,"you are not here because you are good designer but because you are easier to work with". Thank you!! I am not detailing the misogyny I have experienced in workplaces as it will need a separate chapter.

False accusation: There is the whole deal about false accusations, right? Here is the thing... as a woman has your character ever been questioned by society? More likely yes than no. I know mine has been, just on the basis of who I talked with, what I wore, what I chose to say, and how i decided to live my life. (I care little about what people think of my character because a slut, a whore, a bitch are words coined by men who can't handle women's sexual powers and by a society which puts moral obligation on a woman to be monogamous and celebrates a male casanova. Being promiscuous is not an offence, in my head, while lying, hurting, abusing and exploiting is. )
I know so many women whose character is questioned behind closed doors and many many more who have caged, smothered or modeled their personalities just to get the tag of a "good girl, good woman". So my question is to all these women. Were the men in your families standing up for you when you were giving your agni pariksha? At best some have stood by you, told you to be brave and take it in your stride or even advising you to change your ways, but very rarely would a man have stood up for you. Please remember this when you protect your men.
Men feel proud about their conquests, it is an ego boost, so when we are trying to call them out the only worry that they really have is about losing their jobs and money. They are not worried about losing their social standing. For all you know they might be gloating about it at some level in their head. For all you know some men might be envying these men, "wow! he did it to so many women!".
Please understand that women are not making it up. Everywoman, everywoman has experienced this shit. If a few men feel they are falsely accused then they are paying for the crimes of their like. But, it is more likely that they don't know that what they have done is not ok.

I can understand if men are scared to speak up today, it is a good thing. Women have been afraid of speaking up for centuries.
Just to get some thoughts aligned, based on what I have heard around me.
"But she slept with him to get work na?, why did she do that?"
my response, "Why is he asking or accepting sexual favours in a work space?"
"But she has slept with so many men, why is she complaining about attempted rape?"
my response, "women like men have the right to have sex with who ever they want. However no one has a right to force themselves on them, not even their husbands."
"why didn't she speak up then?"
my response, "You are not believing her even today when she has the support of the movement, how could she have thought of speaking up then." Also please understand that most women can't even identify misogyny and abuse, forget calling it out. They just accept it the world as it is.

To my Mom: I thank my mother for pushing me out into the world and letting me understand the world on my own way. She could have protected me by being between me and the world, being a shield from the world, however she chose to stand behind me as a support. It must have been confusing for her, difficult too, as she tried to bring up two sons and a daughter, in a patriarchal world, a world which was very unfair to her.  But, I understand her a lot more today after #metoo movement unfolded.

#metoo: I will not give a detailed account of my abuse, I don't think it is necessary for every woman to do that. But I will say this....It is not one stray incident...and these incidents have impaired my life, my self -esteem and my ability to love and function as a secure human being. I am everywoman.